LE MACHINA - DRIVING IN ITALY - David, February 2006 

After being in Italy for sometime, thoughts drifted to some of the more amusing differences

Now as you know many books and articles have been written about changing your life and moving to another country. They are, I am sure, all very good and the ones I have read are very informative about moving to Italy, which is what I did in 2002. They cover all the points and technicalities about finding your property, paying the owner their black money, renovating, becoming part of the community and so on. So once you have finished your renovation that is it, a continued life of peace and tranquillity, sipping fine Italian wine on a sun drenched terrace whilst eating fresh fruit from your trees, now is that idyllic or what!

What all these books fail to inform you about is the real life in a foreign country and there are many aspects to true integration into living abroad. Yes we are all European and therefore wherever you go in the EC it will be the same. No it is not, take driving as an example.

In England the process of learning to drive is a very well structured system. You study the Highway Code, you read some of the many books written about driving and once prepared you firstly sit a 30 minute theory test and if successful you then take an hour long driving test, and then you pass! And by law you can now sit in and drive a Ferrari.

In Italy you sit through 12 hours of theory this is done at a rate of one hour a week which of course is in Italian and covers every aspect of driving. This is not a pass or fail point you have to continue until the tutor believes you are ready for the driving part of the test. But this does not depend on you alone, your driving test requires another three pupils. When the assembled four candidates are ready the test is booked. All four students are loaded into a car with the first student driving and after ten minutes the instructor calls a halt and the students change places. After forty minutes all the students have driven their ten minutes and have passed their test, no parking, reversing or emergency stops, which I think explains a lot about Italian driving. Here are some examples.

In the UK we are all taught the three basic rules before moving off, Mirror, signal and manoeuvre.  The Italians believed that this was too much to remember so the trimmed it down a little to simply-Manoeuvre! So as you drive sedately along the Italian high street don’t be at all surprised by the Le Man style start from the kerb causing you to brake. This is normal.

Parking is another major point here in Italy. In the UK the driver will see a space, consider the length of their car and the space available, having decided it is big enough, they gently pass the gap and commence to reverse into the gap, performing a perfect parallel parking manoeuvre.
In Italy the space identified for parking has to be wide enough for the front end of their car, thus leaving the rear in the road causing drivers to wait for on coming traffic to clear before moving on. If the gap is too small then simply double park, lock the car and go shopping.

Reversing around a corner is never easy but it is the accepted way of going back the way you came.
Why bother, is the Italian mentality just do a U turn. So once again don’t be surprised when the car in front is suddenly passing you going in the other direction, it’s quite normal.

Now most UK drivers are probably of the opinion that motorway lane discipline is poor, I happen to believe it is not that bad.

Italian lane discipline means something different. They are disciplined in the fact that if their lane is doing what they want it to do then all is fine. Should their lane fail them causing a reduction in speed from 160kph to a mere 120kph, the legal limit, firstly they think they have stopped and are ready to get out of the car, then they look for a more friendly lane, and very often will arrive in front of you, causing you to brake firmly in the belief you have just picked up a new Alfa Romeo bonnet motif. Now if lane two fails to please our Italian driver then there is always lane three which never fails to let them down, in the UK it is called the hard shoulder in Italy it’s lane three. So mission accomplished our Italian driver gets back to his user friendly lane and calculates the time spent at 120kph and drives at 180kph to make up time. All very logical when you think about it.

Now, the use of the Horn. In the UK it must only be sounded as a warning and must never be used after a certain time at night. Here it is a necessity. If an Italian driver goes home at night with anything less than 40 blasts of the horn he or she have failed and have had a very bad day and will probably sulk all evening or beat the kids. Over 40 blasts and the wine will flow. Some of the more common uses of the horn are:

Get out of my way you’re too slow. You may be obeying the speed limit but that doesn’t count. In fact if you are obeying the limit you are considered fair game because you must be a tourist.

Having joined a main road from a side road and failed to reach the speed of light in 4.2 seconds, sorry you will get a blast. Italians only use two pedals the clutch and the throttle. This is why so many cars are automatic here, two pedals became too much effort. To cause an Italian to bring into use that thing in the middle will result in a blast. Perhaps the horn is connected to the brakes.

Joining a line of traffic in the UK is all about courtesy, you wait at the junction and very soon you are waived in by another driver and off you go.

Now in Italy you can forget the courtesy bit. Most of the time they travel so close together in the line of traffic you would not fit a sheet of pasta between them. If on the off chance you catch an Italian driver on the hop and manage to get your nose between his or her car and the one in front, sorry you will get a good blast for that. You have just insulted the driver so badly they will not be able to go out in public for a week just in case a friend saw what you did to them.

In the UK overtaking is a simple exercise, if the road ahead is clear you signal look in your mirrors and proceed.

In Italy there is an assumption made by the driver of the overtaking car that you are asleep or drunk. Whilst you know they are there because you can feel the drivers breath on the back of your neck, when they decide to go you will get a blast that will last the duration of their manoeuvre. It does work however because the first time it happens you are both sober and awake within 2 or 3 seconds. In addition don’t be surprised when you are over taken and then within seconds the driver turns into their drive way, it’s quite normal, and it gives you a chance to have a blast of your own, very satisfying.

Finally if you commit any of the above sins and the result is a tirade of blasts be very careful as this will be an Italian driver on his way home trying to achieve his forty blasts so they will not be in a good mood.

Roundabouts. In the UK we are very aware of their purpose and how we should behave. We know about lane discipline approaching the roundabout and when on the roundabout.

In Italy you don’t see many roundabouts and one day an Italian told me why. ‘We don’t know how to use them’ I laughed until I cried. It is true though. Since being told this gem I watched Italians tackle roundabouts and their principle is simple. You enter at full speed on the inside lane, head straight to the middle and out the other side, so in effect they have made their route straight just as a racing driver would approach a bend. By the way, indicators are not used in any way, shape or form as it may give drivers waiting to join a clue as to what you are doing. Next time you are in Italy try going all the way round a roundabout, it confuses the hell out of them.

Italians don’t often decorate their roundabouts and judging by the number of tyre tracks going through the middle I can’t say I blame them.

Traffic Lights and Pedestrian crossings
Wonderful things. They allow the integration of cars and pedestrians and allow traffic to join another road without having to wait too long. Pedestrians can cross without fear and everyone is content. Pedestrian crossings are a safe haven for pedestrians, place one foot on that black and white carpet of safety and you know drivers simply have to stop.

Of course the Italians have simplified these processes. Take a simple set of traffic lights at a crossroads. When the lights are green traffic flows as normal and the pedestrian lights will be at red, so far so good, the lights go to amber which means you change down and accelerate just aiming to clip the red light as you go through. With the lights at red the pedestrian lights go to green, safe to cross. However as the pedestrian lights go to green so do the lights from the incoming roads, therefore you end up with traffic turning right or left whilst pedestrian lights are green. The pedestrian and the car working in harmony!!

In addition whilst lights in Italy will run green, amber red, they do not do the same from red to green. The lights will be red and go straight to green. Now if you are not in 1st gear with revs of about 2000 rpm and riding the clutch ready for that green light I can assure you within 1 nanno second you will get a blast of the horn. Stall your car at a set of lights and you will be in heaven you will be blasted by at least 10 cars behind you.

At night the majority of traffic lights go to flashing amber which means proceed with caution, in principle this is a great idea, however the word caution is alien to our Italian driver to them it means dropping down a gear and going for it!

Pedestrian crossings in Italy are a place where people go to die. They mean nothing. You can be half way across and a car will go to the other side of the road to get around you. The principle of one foot on the crossing simply gives Italian drivers a target to aim for, they are lethal. It is safer to cross anywhere else other than pedestrian crossing.

They say you should never walk out between parked cars, it’s a national pass time here in order to test the reaction time of the driver and the chance to use the horn again.

Drinking and Driving
Very much taboo in the UK and quite rightly so.
Now the following is a true story. An English friend of mine went out on a Friday with a bunch of friends and had far too much to drink. At the end of the evening he was in denial and of course he could drive. After a short while he knew it was not possible and pulled into a lay-by on a quite country road to sleep it off. He was woken some time later by the Police and told to move on. My friend explained in perfect Italian that he was drunk and could not drive. They asked him to get out and then asked him to walk the white line in the middle of the road. He passed and was made to drive on or get a ticket for illegal parking! I think that sums it up!

Sex and the Car
Now to most English men over the age of 25 the two words Sex and Car fit into different categories, they are not linked other than you may use one to get to the other. But that is as close as it gets.
In Italy they are one of the same no matter how old the driver is. The car here is more than a status symbol it tells people who you are what you are. No matter how bad the weather here their cars are always immaculate often going to a car wash every day of the week. The are obsessed with their cars. Ask an Italian if you can borrow his car. He will not answer you, his eyes will go a milky colour, he will show his teeth and dribble slightly, in short taking on the appearance of an angry Doberman. Now ask if you can borrow his wife for a few hours, ‘Yeah sure help yourself’ I assume you get my point

Now bearing in mind the above whatever you do never crash into an Italian car. You will suffer the wroth of Satan Lucifer and every other devil figure you can think of. Let them hit you, that’s OK, after all just before impact he may be able to fire off a few blasts of his horn.

Now the driving Licence.
As part of the EU the new photo licence is accepted here in Italy without question. However there is one major difference. In the UK we start with zero points and if we do wrong points are added. In Italy they start with 9 points and are deducted. Now if you commit a traffic offence here in Italy that they would deduct points for they will take your licence away and post it to England. However the address they use is for licences that have been lost and found, so Swansea simply return it to you!!

Safe driving, and please remember - it is illegal to drive in flip flops!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN – WE ALL HAVE TO COOK???     Pam, January 2006  

Never mind Master Chef Goes Large, we staged our own version over Christmas

We decided that we all needed a long earned rest, and closed for Christmas. This would be the first time that we had our whole family together – normally we manage four out of the five kids in the same place, but this year, we prepared for the onslaught of our four boys with two male friends, Georgina and friend Gemma plus Mum and Auntie. Oh and just for good measure my brother and wife for Christmas Day.

But, David and I decided that we would all take a turn in the kitchen to share the load, and just to make it competitive, we put together our own version of Master Chef Goes Large as a tribute to the tv series – score cards as well. Cooking partners in crime were chosen and each pair were allocated a day to cook a three course meal. Well not just cook, but choose a menu, shop for it, prep it, serve it, and best of all – clear up their own mess. Points were awarded for each category.

I don’t think any of us have ever laughed so much. Their competitive side meant there was quite a lot of sabotage amongst the boys – secret ingredients hidden, more mess added to already messy kitchen, meaning two of them spent 3 hours cleaning, and to compensate for minor errors, we were all given generous cocktails before dinner! We are pretty lucky that they all cook so well, I can honestly say we eat like kings. They really put their heart and soul into their evenings – we enjoyed champagne cocktails, a pirate evening and a five course Indian meal. The winners were Georgina and Gemma, who produced mouth watering anti pasti, but best of all 5 individual mini puddings – the choux bun filled with home-made ice-cream and topped with caramel was just indescribable. David and Simons’ curry night was the highlight for me – but typical of them – they decided on 5 courses! There were homemade onion bhajee, yogurt breads with chilli prawns, two fabulous granitas, three different curries and then peppered pineapple with ice cream. I think I need a serious diet for the New Year.

Anyway the moral of the tale is – our competitive family are now planning for next year, with improvements to the teams and the menus, plus they are inviting another friend out as pot boy. So if you read this Tim, you may want to think about the invitation!

It was a great time, loads of movies to watch and a good covering of snow sending the kids to the mountain for a couple of days on the slopes. Now everyone needs the odd adventure and the day before they were due to leave, we had an anxious call from the mountain, a blizzard had come in and they were stranded at the top. Needless to say they found a warm bar while they waited, and planned an overnight at the hotel, but eventually got back down – with two of them walking in front of the Landrover – to make sure Simon stayed on the road! Ian managed to slip up and almost got run over – I’m so glad I wasn’t there – certainly not good for the nerves!

The time went far too quickly and we were sorry when it was time for them to leave. The boys all headed back to the UK to spend New Year together and the rest of us saw in the New Year in Italy.

It was soon time for mum and I to leave as well as I was working on the Viva Espana show at Olympia, where Georgina got a passion for Spain and learnt that many of our Italian friends has spied her on Italian TV.

DIY MEDICATION - NOT FOR ME   David, December 2005   

Yet another new experience

Recently I was feeling well below par, lost weight and was in need of an MOT I decided to make my first trip to see the doctori, the first in three years. So George, my medical translator, and I headed off and waited.

After an hour I was in and being examined, the solution various tests the following day. Some 30 minutes later I was devoid of four phials of blood. Results? Two days which is impressive. Back to the doctori for the results. The diagnosis was given and the prescriptions written.

Back home I opened the first box which were vitamin pills, twice daily after meals, no problem there. The second was a cream for my feet after a dose of sunburn followed by flip flops and resulting blisters.

The larger box was opened, it was full of phials, I was sweating as I opened the last box, it was full of syringes! Now I am not a coward but me and needles are not good soul mates. I looked over at George and explained that I had never injected myself before. Don’t worry dad, they go in your bottom! By this stage I was less than amused by this DIY, heal thy self approach to medication. Then out of the blue a question popped into my head, who was going to administer this 10 day dart game on my rear. George shot off - I’ll do it dear said Pam. Have you done it before? No!

Now please imagine the scene. Pam and George are trying to understand how to mix a phial of liquid with a file of powder and transfer it to a syringe. By now they are joined by Sophie, I asked why, the answer was priceless. Sophie has to inject her horses! What a comfort. Anyway the mixture is ready and is drawn into the syringe, the girls disappear, my buttock is exposed and Pam sits astride my legs, the reason for this was to ensure that if I suffered great pain I would not leap off the bed and run away with a needle in my buttock. Pam washed the target with antiseptic, or in this case Grappa, well that kills anything doesn’t it. Pam started, how far in does the needle go in? How quickly should I push the plunger. If lockjaw had not set in I would have answered her. I survived with a small lump and minor bruising.

Day two and Pam suggested getting Sheryl over as she injects a friend of hers every night. Sheryl arrives and Pam has not seen her for sometime so the gossip is flowing whilst I am prone on the bed with a different buttock exposed. The Grappa is applied and very soon my bottom is burning and the pain was un-real. Task complete. I adjusted my shorts and went to stand up, only to find my left leg was numb, she had caught a muscle or a nerve, whatever it was dead. It transpired they had forgotten to mix the phials so I had an aching bottom and a dead leg only to be injected with water, and to cap it all they wanted another go!! I was gone like the wind dead leg or not.

Day three Pam called another friend Terese, who was a nurse for many years. She agreed to administer the jab and with no fuss the mixture was in the syringe, buttock cleaned, needle in, needle out, no pain whatsoever.

Day four arrived and I held no fear. Everything was made ready, the Grappa applied and Terese asked if I was ready. Now why Terese did what she did next is beyond me. She started to count!

One….Two well that was it, my buttocks clenched my leg muscles bulged my back arched and the target area became armoured plated, I did not hear three and I swear the needle bounced off. Deep breathing relaxed the muscle and it was done.

I am pleased to say the next six passed without a hitch. However the last three were given by Georgina’s friend who came to stay, she is training to be a Vet!!

As for DIY healing, I am not convinced, I just hope and pray I do not need my appendix out one day, can you imagine the kit you would get from the Farmacia for that? No neither can I.